Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Broken Hearts.....

I wasn't going to share this part of the First Kiss story, but I changed my mind.  I have been the cause and the recipient of many a broken heart.  Of the two, it feels so much worse to be the one getting your heart broken.  

That darling young man who treated me so well and gave me a first kiss to remember, well.....I broke his heart.  What can I say?  I was only 15.  We spent part of a school year and most of a summer falling in love.  Only for him it meant so much more than it ever did for me.   My first love didn't come until later, (that is another story for another time and I definitely got my heart broken!)  but I am fairly certain that he thought I was his.  

He was so thoughtful.  Sometimes he would show up with a delicate gold necklace and other times with a single flower.  He opened my doors, cheered me on with pride in my adventures and was very respectful in the way he spoke to me.  

The problem was, he graduated and I didn't.  He left and I was still 15 turning 16.  

He wrote letters expressing his love and future plans he had for us.  I pulled back.  He called and talked of "when".  I pulled back even more.  After a while of this I received a package in the mail from him.  Every photo of me or us together, every token, ticket stub, gift, letter and note that I had ever given him was in that package.  There was no written message from him, but the message was very clear.  I broke his heart and he needed to rid himself of every reminder of me.  Thinking back I really respect him for the way he handled it.  He never tried to beg me back or say mean hurtful things which I probably deserved.  He just bowed out like the gentleman he had always been.  I felt bad then, but I feel worse now when I think about it because I could have given him much more respect than I did.  I could have told him that I was too young for the kinds of promises he wanted from me.  

Instead I pulled back.

I am proud of myself about one thing though.  I never told him I loved him.  That sounds strange, I know, but there is only one man that I have ever said those words to besides my dad and I married him.  Now don't get me wrong, I liked him, a lot, and I told him that.  I just didn't feel that I could say that I loved him.  I've never used that phrase frivolously, partly because I've always had a hard time expressing myself and partly because to me it is something so special that it can't be used just anywhere.  So, know that if you ever hear me say "I love you", I really mean it. 

1 comment:

  1. A moving tale...

    Sometimes its just a matter of timing and experience. Heaven forbid had I ended up with my first kiss/first love and not experienced all the other joys and independence I had before meeting my husband!